I Am Blessed

I haven’t written in this Blog space for 5 years - the last Blog I wrote was a month before my 40^th Birthday and now I am turning 45 years in 2 months.  Wow, in so many ways a lot has changed, my life has changed - and yet I am still the same in so many ways - and in other ways I have grown.

In terms of my life, 7 years ago today, I went to my neighbour’s housewarming (who happens to now be my husband), and that night there was a spark, the start of us liking each other.  And now we share our lives with our two beautiful children, my greatest dreams have come true.  I am blessed.  I am ecstatic!  I have always been in search of my true love - and now my search is over.  I absolutely love being a Mum - my children bring me so much joy.  And I love being the home maker and home manager.

As I approach my 45^th Birthday I feel more confident in myself and my mission.  And it is a journey that requires a commitment to continual learning and personal development.  I am blessed - I am happy to be healthy, I am loving my vegetarian cooking (especially , I love making healthy treats for our family, I enjoy getting out walking with my children, I love our home, I love spending time with my family, I am part of a wonderful Church community, I love my friends, I am surrounded by people who inspire me, I love my job and I even like my hair!  I am also really excited to be currently planning to re-establish my Coaching Business.

I am not striving to be perfect or to have a perfect life - life is not perfect and I cannot expect myself to be perfect.  Yet I am committed to being self-reflective, present, inspired, intentional, empowered and proactive.  To me it is about aiming for the 80/20 rule - where 80% of the time I feel happy with myself and different parts of my life.  And it is a journey. 

I still have challenges - some smaller ones, some bigger ones.  Yet I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful people in my life.  And I am blessed to be self-aware and to have tools within me to support myself.  I am blessed to be in joy, gratitude and hope on a daily basis.

A big change for me has been my enhanced commitment to be active in my faith and my personal relationship with God, where I have named and claimed my Christianity.  This has made a huge impact on my life in terms of feeling at peace and feeling on purpose.  I praise God for my blessings and I know that he is with me and for me every day, every step of the way.  

Knowing my values is really important to me and living my life based on these values is the key for me.  A couple of years ago, with a group of my friends, we studied the book ‘Spiritual Parenting’ which I loved as it was a great opportunity to establish our family values and learn ways to be practical in building faith in our children.  In deciding what was important to us as a family we came up with an acronym for FAMILY which represents - Faith (A Commitment to be Active in our Faith), Attitude (Positive and Gratitude), Memories (Special Moments), Inspired (Life), Love (Ourselves, Others and the Earth), You (Know Ourselves, Our Gifts, Strengths, Uniqueness).    

My goal is to be in a state of presence every day, to be present moment to moment, to allow space to hear guidance from the Holy Spirit, so that I can live an inspired life, where I can make a difference.  I love acronyms and I love the acronym for TRUST - To Rely Upon Spirit Totally.  

I am enthusiastic to teach the meaning of our values to our children.

I am excited that I know myself and I know what is important to me.  And I am still learning about different parts of myself that work for me and other parts of myself that need to evolve.  Setting goals and personal development is still (as it has always been for the last 20+ years) important to me.  

I am happy!  I am grateful!  I am blessed!

I write this Blog to record my journey of self-reflection and self-discovery and my process of transformation.  It is about being authentic and real and sharing myself and my life.  It is about keeping myself accountable to be committed to my purpose, my passion, my vision.  It is not so much about others reading my Blog, although I have decided to be brave in sharing my personal journey with others. Thank you for taking the time to read this post and to get to know me more.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

I Wish

The other day I went into Paddington to get some makeup for my wedding. As I do not wear makeup very often and like a very natural look, I have been looking for a makeup artist and the right makeup. And after meeting a lovely beautician on Thursday night, my journey took me into Paddington.

I am not a big shopper and yet when I arrived at Paddington, I heard the faint whisper of a Part of me that said “I Wish”... I was shocked - the voice said “I Wish I was rich...” In a second I thought about how I would go to the day spa all the time for facials and massages and “I Wish I was rich to go into all of the fancy clothing boutiques” and ”I Wish I had the confidence to go into the fancy boutiques”. And then in an instant I thought “I Wish I was more beautiful”,” I Wish I had perfect skin”, ” I Wish I had perfect features”, “ I Wish I had beautiful long hair”, “I Wish I looked all dressed up and fancy like the ladies passing by me”.

I was very curious about this Part of me...

Normally I sit in a place of Gratitude and Thankfulness for all I am and all I have. Very big in my Awareness is the fact that so many people live in poverty and struggle for their basic needs or even just people who are affected by sickness and disabiity. And yet here I was wishing for more.

And it is not that I can’t afford clothes in those boutiques - maybe one or two pieces (maybe a scarf) if I made it a Priority - yet it actually comes back to the larger Part of me that does not really like shopping. And yet I have noticed that there is this Part of me that is become louder and wants to wear nice things and wear makeup and look pretty. For a long time I did competitive Running, it was always about being faster - short hair, skinny, Running shoes, Running clothes, Running, training, competing - very Masculine and Yang. I even remember a boyfriend at the time who grew sick of my tracksuits and wished I wore more skirts - I still remember him saying that to me. And after I hurt my back I started wearing shapeup joggers to help my back, and they do make a difference - and yet now I want different. Now my Feminine Part of me, my Yin, is coming more alive, back alive - where I am finding myself wanting to buy magazines, wear pretty blouses, wanting to paint my nails - and even travelling to Paddington to get the right makeup that is right for me.

These thoughts in my head of “I Wish” only lasted about one or two minutes. I was then able to return to the Part of me that knows I am so fortunate. And then I also sat in a Space of what is really most important to me - what “I Wish” for the most - “I Wish my Mum didn’t have cancer”, this is the big number one - and “I Wish we have a baby soon”, another big, very important Wish.

Being in the Space of “I Wish” made me think of the Serenity Prayer - “God grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot Change; the Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.” For me there are many things outside my control, some of the big things. And if my greatest ”I Wish” is about Family for me, I can continue to treat this as a Priority in my life.

And if I am finding my Spirit come alive and some excitement regarding matters of the Feminine, it does not mean that I have to get caught up in Consumerism, Materialism, Shopping - yet I can enjoy my trip to Paddington to buy makeup, I can buy and enjoy flicking through magazines, and I am really enjoying now that I am back again wearing more dresses, embracing my Feminine. And it doesn’t mean I have to spend a lot of money - I even enjoyed a look at St Vincent De Paul’s at Paddington and found a really nice designer blouse and also a dress - all for the total price of $18 - I was Excited. I don’t really care about the “designer” bit, although there was a Part of me quietly Proud as if I had bought it at full price - and the main Part of me loved the bargain. Mostly I always love the opportunity to be on a treasure hunt to see what surprises and delights me in second hand stores and I love the chance to Recycle and Reuse.

The “I Wish” related to the Feminine Part of me is loving colour and fabrics and fashion. My Spirit is highlighting that I could get back to sewing again - I remember with fond memories sewing clothes -back when I was about 16-20 years of age. I used to love sewing dresses and wearing them out. Perhaps a new hobby when the time is right. And I am also interested in expressing my creativity through photography - another hobby I once loved.

I am not going to say” I Wish I had more time”.   I know I have the power to manage my time so that I can focus on my Priorities and Values.

I just realised that if I stay in the “I Wish” Space for too long (more than a couple of minutes), I am almost sitting in powerlessness, almost waiting for someone to rescue me or make my dreams come true.

Instead if I use the “I Wish” Space as a window to when my Spirit comes alive and when I feel Inspired, I can decide if this is really my heart’s desire.  There is almost a childhood Innocence here -  I can ask my Innocence Part of me what I really want, and in the quietness listen to my inner voice.

For ages and always, since I have stopped Running over the last couple of years, whenever I see a runner, I always say to myself “I Wish I could run again”, and so today on my walk, I allowed my Self to enjoy a few minutes of Running, in between Walking, enough to make me feel the aliveness and Joy of Running. Wonderful!!!

From the “I Wish” Space I can also check to see what is underneath the “I Wish” and show Curiosity of how I can fulfil Needs for my Self, my Soul. As an example the “I Wish I was rich and I would go to day spas more often”, I know this for me is about yes being pampered, but most importantly just wanting time to relax and have “me time”.  And so this morning I made it a Priority to get up early and take a walk in nature, and this evening made time for a relaxing bath.

And so from the “I Wish” Space, which feels so distant and far away, I am able to move to a place of feeling Excited and Empowered.

Listen To Your Heart

It has been a busy weekend planning our wedding - tomorrow it will be 7 weeks until our big day.  Planning our wedding has been an interesting exposure to many key learning opportunities for me - one of the main reminders for me is about the importance to Listen To Your Heart. 

In planning a wedding, there are so many decisions to be made - it is actually a great exercise in decision making.  It is interesting that over the course of my life I have always viewed myself as someone who is indecisive, believing that it is a trait of me being of Libra starsign.  I have even completed management courses on decision making and yet for a long time I have struggled with making decisions, even believing that I have made so many bad decisions, wrong decisions, and I have found it humorous that I still make bad decisions after studying the process through courses and reading books.

I have previously thought that one process of decision making was to get out a piece of paper and write down all of the pros and cons, the for and against - and through this process, what seems to be the obvious decision "should" appear (this is the theory).  And yet often this is a process that just involves thinking, not always how we are feeling.  A good example of this process is when in the 'Sex and the City: The Movie' Miranda and Steve separate and Miranda is deciding if she should reconcile the marriage and she spends time writing her list.  It is interesting that this does not reveal the truth to her - it is only when she listens to herself, her heart, her own Truth that she races to meet her Husband on Brooklyn Bridge and they kiss and express how much they love each other.

Through my Coaching Course and over the last two years I have learnt the fail proof way to make decisions, it is such a simple process, a simple Truth, a Truth that I am still practicing and perfecting and a Truth I want to share with My Man, Family, Friends - very much with my Clients.  THE TRUTH - Decision Making 101 - Listen To Your Heart.

I don't know when we stop listening to our own Heart, perhaps when we go to school and we start learning all of these facts and figures and there is so much emphasis on thinking and using our minds.  Or is it when we start high school and we experience peer pressure and "try hard" to fit into the crowd.  Or is it through reading all of the magazines and watching all of these advertisements and we strive for perfection according to what "they" say - always trying to please others.  No wonder we get confused and lose a sense of ourselves.

As you Listen To Your Heart, it is definitely not a process of thinking - it is a process of feeling, listening, sitting in the quietness - what is our gut feel, what is the feeling in our body - and it is in the quietness we can hear the call of our Soul - it is in the spaciousness that we can feel Spirit rising.

One of the main areas of my Coaching work is helping Clients get in touch with their own Truth and to live from this place.  I love my work as a Coach, it is so rewarding.  It is also very important to me that I am an Integral Practitioner, that I live my own Truth and apply what I am learning.

My wedding has been a great opportunity to practice being true to my Self.  When it comes to a wedding, everyone has an opinion of how it "should" be done, what is expected - and there are so many magazines (beautiful images) that draw us in - and it is easy to get caught up with the excitement and wanting the day to be perfect.  And of course there is nothing wrong with wanting it to be perfect in our own way.

Today I had a tough moment with my Mum.  I love my Mum so much, my Mum is my best friend.  I worry about my Mum and I am so Grateful that my Mum is feeling well and that she will be with us to celebrate our special day.  Today my Mum came over to look at my dresses - I have 2 dresses that have been hanging in my cupboard as potential wedding dresses.  There is the cream lace wedding dress that is beautiful and that my Mum loves - and I like.  And there is my very special Yellow gown that I LOVE.  I showed my Mum my Yellow gown with my beautiful brooch and my beautiful shoes that I bought yesterday (I love my shoes - I finally get how Carrie in 'Sex and the City' feels so much love of shoes - it is true they make my dress more beautiful).  As soon as I put on my Yellow dress I felt magical, I felt special, I felt alive, I felt confident, I felt beautiful, I felt ME.  My Mum liked the dress - more than she had the first time she had seen it - and I felt we had turned a corner.  Unfortunately I made the mistake of trying on the other lace dress, after my Mum asked me to try it on - and then I saw the look in my Mum's eyes - she liked the lace dress more - best of all.  For me the lace dress is beautiful and yet I do not feel it is the right dress for me.  I took off the dress, put it in the bag and felt disappointed and upset, very disappointed.  My Mum also looked sad and said that she was just telling me her opinion.  I told my Mum that I loved my Yellow dress, that this was right for me, that this felt right for me.  I told my Mum that she had raised me to be an individual, to be my own person and most of all I wanted my Mum to say that most of all she just wanted me to be happy and to wear the dress that made me happy.

I felt sad that my Mum was upset.  It made me very sad.  And yet I know that wearing the dress I love on our wedding day is just a symbol of my decision to live my own Truth, to follow this sacred principle of Listen To Your Heart.  And I do believe that by listening to my Heart and following my Truth, that this is Inspired by God - forever and always encouraging me to be true to my Self, to be my Self, loving me for my Self.

After my Mum left I played one of my favourite songs - 'Who Are You Listening To' Ginny Owens
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqEbOaD3Qa8
I love these words -
"This is your life,
And yet somehow,
They decide,
What you're about,
You learn your lines,
And take your cues,
But who are you listening to?

You change your clothes,
And how you speak,
You place your hope,
In what they think,
Before you know
There's no more you,
Who are you listening to-
Have you noticed how much you fear,
All the voices you choose to hear

Who are you listening to?
Who tells you what to do?
Who rules your thoughts at night?
Whose rules define your life?
Oh, you know it's up to you,
So who are you listening to

This is your life,
You have no choice,
You will rely
On someone's voice,
And it's all right
To question who,
Who are you listening to?
Do the words that you believe
Set your soul and spirit free

There's a quiet voice,
Whispering in your heart,
It's been there all along,
It believes in you,
It will tell the truth,
Can't you hear it call?" 

I love this song.

About 10 minutes after my Mum left, I received a call from my Mum.  My Mum told me that she liked my Yellow dress - I was overcome with emotion hearing my Mum's voice and don't really remember the exact words.  I told my Mum that I loved her and my Mum said "I love you and that's why I want you (don't think it was that exact word) to wear the dress that makes you happy".  I could hear my Mum was emotional and was crying ((unlike my Mum (not very unlike me, I am often getting emotional, including now as I watch'Australia')).

Our wedding is 7 weeks away tomorrow and there are still decisions to be made and I am committed to listening to my Heart and loving My Man as we work together to create our special day - and that's another lesson for me - in relationship, the importance of staying true to my Self AND also listening to, and honouring, what makes My Man happy.  It is true that in the planning of our wedding, I am learning so much, and practicing skills that will serve us forever and always in our relationship.

It is now 12.01am Monday - now it is today - 7 weeks away will be our day.

Letting Go Of My Past

In the last few weeks, probably in the last few months, I have been very Conscious of wanting to be in the Now and Letting Go Of My Past.  There are many life experiences in my Past that have led me to my Present moment and yet these life experiences and relationships do come up in conversation and take up my mental energy.  I also had concerns about storing pain from my Past in my body, that I was carrying emotions that are causing aches in my back and a heaviness on my shoulders.  

I am so Grateful that I was blessed with a happy childhood, with the Abundance of Love.  From my Past I carry these Gifts of Love, Joy, Gratitude and a Positive Attitude.  

And I have also carried the sorrow and sadness of the last 8-10 years.  I have carried the pain and darkness and black memories of marriage and divorce and times of depression.  I have carried the feelings of rejection by others and also by myself.  I have carried the burden of wearing masks, searching for love and acceptance, searching for love and acceptance and happiness outside of myself.  I have carried guilt and regret.  I have made bad decisions.  I have carried stress and pressure in my Career when I have been working in areas that do not make my heart sing.  Many times I have not listened to my Intuition when I have been at the crossroads.

And yet all is different for me now.  And I am Grateful for my Path and my Journey.  I Trust all of my life experiences have served me.  The experience of getting married and divorced taught me the importance of being in my Heart and following my Intuition.  It has also served to remind me of the importance of Divine Love and Divine Union.  My experiences of being in depression, down in the dark, black hole taught me so much about the blackness.  In my blackness, I am so Grateful that my Mum and some very kind friends sat with me - they didn't try to pull or push me, they just sat with me.  When I found my way back to the Light, I felt Inspired to work and help people, to work in Service.  My Past experiences Inspired me to become a Coach, to catch people who may be about to fall into a black hole or to work with people so that they find their own Light and Love of Self and Create a Life they Love.  As a Coach I also have deep empathy and compassion for all others, and I also feel that I can see the signs as possible check-ins around support and care if people are in distress.  I have also been Grateful for the many relationships that have served me to better understand myself and others.  It was only when I decided last year what I deserved and wrote a list of everything I deserved in an intimate relationship that my Man appeared in my life.  The 4 years before then, I question my own level of self-worth, where I often settled for less than what I deserved.  In my work as a Coach I am Inspired to help Clients realise their own Love of Self, their Uniqueness and Greatness and also work with them to be clear about their Heart's desires and put their Dreams into ACTION.  

I am Grateful for my Past and all of these lessons will serve me in my Lifework as a Coach.  And yet I also want to let go of the heaviness and the pain.  I feel like all of these life experiences in the last decade are chapters in a book and I am putting the book on the bookshelf - the book is closed.  By closing the book, I can be truly and absolutely Present in my new book.

I definitely see the benefits of looking back on the Past to acknowledge the lessons and Gifts.  There are also benefits to seeing the Jewels of the Past - perhaps activities or adventures that I loved - the Gems that brought me Aliveness and Joy. I am able to look back over my Career and this has given me clues for my Purpose of Spread The Yellow.  For me I also recently remembered how much I loved sewing and I can't wait to sew again.  I also always remember how much I love Running and yet for now this is in my Past.  Even today when I caught a sight of the 'City To Surf'' I remembered how much I loved Running.  And yet I do not want to waste my mental energy or even conversation around what I "used to do" - instead I can Trust that I will run again and for NOW I will enjoy Walking and Yoga and weekend resting.  I will enjoy NOW.

Last weekend I enjoyed the 'Life Quality and Design' Course and it was wonderful to Create a Vision  Board for my Life that involves: Love ever after, loving being a Mum, Connection with Friends, Balance, Health and Self-Care, Space and Calm at Home, Space for my Coaching, Community Service, Space for Creativity of Sewing, Craft, Writing, Photography.  At the Centre is My Yellow Heart - Love, Light, Truth and Peace. 

Over the weekend I also realised that there was a Part in me that has been keeping me stuck in the Past.  A Part of me that was trying to Protect me.  This Part of me has been around a long time, probably about 10 years and was always the Part that was searching for more, searching and curious and always wanting to do something different, always collecting ideas and thinking and thinking and thinking.  This Part of me creates clutter in my home, office, mind.  And yet I have realised that I can release this Part of me, as I am now very clear about my Life Design and can be more organised and focused - I can live in simplicity and with Space.

I have been talking to my own Coach about a Letting Go Of My Past ritual, and yet it now seems ironic, as by talking about my Past I have been still keeping it alive.  Now that I have a clear Life Design, and the Vision is so clear, I do not want to waste energy.  I want to be focused and I also want to allow Space for the rising of my Spirit.  At the end of the Course, I realised that the ritual for me was about walking out the door and leaving the Past behind me, the charge associated with my Past, the time wasted talking or thinking about my Past.  It was a decision and a Commitment.  I do believe - as one door closes, another door opens.

As I walked out the door of my classroom I felt light and free.  And it made me laugh when I was driving home and saw the number plate "BE FREE" - the Universe is in full support of me.

In Letting Go Of My Past I can enjoy the NOW.  I enjoy Peace.  I feel free in my mind and live in My Yellow Heart.  I enjoy being in the moment with my Man.  Last Saturday night was a year since my Man and I enjoyed our first date and he surprised me with "Terrific Tapas" and we enjoyed a great night.

I am Grateful for the Gifts each day, the surprises and delights.  Just today when I was getting ready to begin my day, I was invited by a Friend to join her and her two children on a trip to see the whales at Kurnell.  I only had 5 minutes to get ready and I embraced the opportunity and loved being out in the sunshine and catching up with my Friend.  And then today I enjoyed a lunch with my Man's Mum and Friends and I was able to just relax and be Present.

Letting Go Of My Past means that I AM NOW FREE.  I make the Commitment to Honour NOW and Trust in my Future.  I make the Commitment to not waste my energy in my mind or in ACTION.  I am Grateful for the Gift of my Life.  I Honour My Self.