My Heart Is Sad

My Heart Is Sad.  I am not sure if this is possible, my Heart to be sad - my Heart aches and I have a deep sadness.  Today I found out that someone special to me is dying - it is someone that I have not seen for a long time - someone that I love - my ex-Husband's Mother.  I have kept busy this evening getting ready for College, and yet as I sit here I feel a numbness, a quiet sadness - My Heart Is Sad.

I met my Parents at Westfield today.  I hate shopping - I am so not a shopper.  And so in search of a warmer jacket, my Parents offer to meet me - and as I hate shopping, it is nice to have company.  And I always love being in the company of my Mum and Dad.  I love my Mum and Dad.

It is funny how the Universe works, it is just like a play or movie, all of us playing our parts, with exact timing and precision.  We look around at Myers and spend time looking at Coats, and then in the Appliances and I look at photo albums and then we decide to go to lunch - I pick the cafe, chosen as it is near a cashcard and my Dad says he wants to get money for lunch.  As we walk towards the cashcard I see my ex-Husband's Brother-in-law, my ex-Brother-in-law.  For a moment or two, I am ashamed to say that I thought about avoiding him, perhaps out of embarrassment - I had been the one that ended my marriage and it had been a difficult time for everyone.  I have seen my ex-Husband's Family since this time, it was a long time ago, 8 years ago we parted - and yet some wounds still run deep (for me).

I am most interested in talking to my ex-Brother-in-law to hear about my ex-Mother-in-law - she is a beautiful woman and every now and then I wonder how she is going - especially since she lives only 10-15 minutes away from me.  I am glad that I choose to say hello and enter into a conversation.  I am shocked when he tells me that my ex-Mother-in-law's cancer is back.  I am shocked as I didn't know she was not well.  I hear the story of their journey over the last 2 years - the same time my Mum has been suffering from cancer.  I listen to the story and I am so saddened.  I hear that my ex-Mother-in-law now lives with his Family and she is not in pain - she is dying.  

I tell him how sad I am and to pass on my best.  I also offer my best to my ex-Husband who is now remarried and I am delighted to hear that he has a 1 year old son, James - I can imagine him loving his little boy.

We part and I meet my Parents at the cafe.  And I cry and I cry - I cry now thinking about someone I love dying.  I am sad as this is the same way that she lost her Husband and now the whole Family are living through this pain again.  I talk to my Parents about this just not making sense, how could this make sense - so much does not make sense.  How does it make sense that my friend is in a wheelchair?  How does it make sense that people suffer from being mentally retarded?  How can it make any sense that so many people suffer from cancer?  I know that this Family is Christian and that their faith will support them.

My Mum and Dad sit with me and allow me to cry.  My Mum then tells me that sadly people do pass away and that one day I will also lose them - that this is sad and this is life.  We talk about how I can respond now - should I offer to visit - I would be worried that this would upset the Family.  I decide to buy a card - I buy a beautiful card.

I am not sure what I will write.  I am not sure if I "should" write - and yet I want to offer my heartfelt words.  Perhaps I would write that I am so sorry to hear that she is not well and that I am glad that she is with her Family who loves her so much.  I feel a need to tell her that I am sorry if I caused sadness and disappointment to her Family.  I want to say how much I remember how she offered me love and kindness and it was in the little things that meant so much to me - her buying me a dressing gown for winter when I was cold , her opening her home when we lived in the granny flat, her letting me have a bath at her place in winter, her worrying about me when I travelled from the city.  I remember different things that she told me - about being pure in heart, about the importance of standing for something, otherwise you'll fall for anything.  I also remember her telling me how much she loved her Husband, who has passed away just a few months before I met my Husband.  

I feel in my heart that her Husband is waiting for her and will meet her in Heaven and she will be joyful when they reunite.  Even after all my study and reading, and even as I open up to all levels of Spirituality and I believe in a Soul Path, I am definitely a believer in God and I believe in Heaven and I do believe that we will all meet again in Heaven.

I feel that so many wounds (that I thought were healed) have been opened.  I feel strong in myself, I do not feel fragile, I just have a sense that My Heart Is Sad.  This afternoon I have cried and retold stories and remembered memories from so long ago.  I know I cannot change the past or relive the past - and yet I feel it is okay to explore the past.  I have a sadness of what happened in my marriage - and I also know that the events in my past have led me to become a Transformational Life Coach.

It is interesting that had our timing been a little different, had I found a different car park and got there earlier or tried on more jackets, or spent less time looking for spencers, or had I decided to buy the photo album from Myers or go to a different cafe for lunch or a different cashcard, I would not have found out this news.  And had my Mum not decided to go and sit in the Cafe, she too would have heard all of the details of this story, which may have been hard for my Mum, given that there is so much uncertainty with her own health.

This afternoon I receive two quotes by email - timing seems perfect - 

 “Tick tock tick tock. That’s the sound of life passing you by. When was the last time you stopped to listen to your own breath, to feel your own heart beat and to experience what it means to be alive?” Amir Zoghi 

"What life is and what it has to offer you Kathryn is beyond your present level of understanding, but what life is not, on the other hand, can be understood. Life is not the memories of the past or the possibilities of the future. Life is what takes place in this very moment. In the past, life unfolded itself in the present moment and in the future, life will also continue to unfold in the present moment. So you see my dear Kathryn, there is no life in the past or the future, life and feeling alive can only be experienced when you are in the present moment.

Anytime you truly feel fulfilled, secure and joyful it is because you are experiencing yourself in the present moment. Anytime you feel fearful, uncertainty and doubt it is because you have taken your attention to the past or the future. Whenever you are in the here and now you are awakened to life, you are life itself but when you are not, you are in the dream; you are in the shadows of life.

What you are holding onto in the past or looking for in the future cannot be fulfilled because the past and future do not exist. Every moment that you experienced in the past and every moment that you will experience in the future can only be experienced in the One Moment, the present moment. Anything outside the present moment is only a label, a memory, a thought.

Life is what you’re really looking for Kathryn and life is who you are, it is where you are, it is where you have come from and where you are going, LIFE. Everything outside of life is a story that you are playing a role in, a dream if you like. But isn’t it time for you to awaken to who you Truly are and remember where you came from? Remember the love and the infinite possibilities which make you who you are?

Transcend time and space and you will come to realise that there exists only One moment and One energy. One energy in One moment, One life, a life that is connected to the entire existence in all time and space, a life that is one with all that there is. Meet me there Kathryn and you will meet the True you and realise where this message is really coming from. The UNIVERSE"  Written through Amir Zoghi

Today is a reminder to me that I do not know what the day will bring and yet my heart is open - I feel in a place of Connection and Love.  I feel I have access to my Inner Strengths and Resources - I have a sense of my Yin and my Yang ready to offer support and their strength to me.  I have a sense that I can survive these challenging times and I can still be open to joy and love in my life.

Right now I feel sadness and a breathlessness and yet I trust that this will pass.  Right now I can send love and light and warm wishes from my heart to a Family with whom I shared a part of my life - to a Family that (in hindsight) taught me so much.  

I have such a strong feeling that Life is so precious and everyday is precious.  And I am thankful to God and the Universe for allowing me to find out about the life of my Friend, a strong Woman who taught me so much - a Woman I love.  Sadly for me, time has passed, and there are oceans between us and I will not get a chance to say goodbye in person and yet I can send love and warm thoughts and hold her in my heart.  I am Grateful that she has been a presence in my life.

I am Grateful that I have my Yin and Yang - my internal support system.

And tonight I am Grateful that my Man knows all my stories and my life and my memories of sadness.  I am Grateful that he sits with me when I cry.  I am Grateful that I can be myself.  I am Grateful that I have my Man to sleep beside me and hold my hand...